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College.
It’s 3 am I have class at 8:30….but I of course….am awake. I
wish I could just climb into bed, close my eyes…and drift, drift into
relaxation and a world of rest…
I realize tonight that it’s been ages since I last wrote
about my reflections…
What is a relationship worth?
I’m here …at Carnegie
Mellon University,
watching my roommate cry over a failed relationship and ….my heart always
breaks when I see others in pain….
What is a relationship worth?
Nothing, it’s only the only thing the heart and the human
will ever need. It’s only the warm feeling of love that fills your whole body
with complete satisfaction.
It’s crazy how one person….can fill your life with
everything you will ever need…
The romantic in me will never die, the passion will never
burn out, but I’ll wonder deep into the night….what is a relationship worth….
I need to whip myself into shape, I have no more excuses. My
parents and their pressures are hundreds of miles away, I am my own person now.
I need to stand tall, be afraid of no one and accept things
the way they are….
I noticed a trend this summer….I always cared for guys who
would take it for granted and thus I’d move on….and a few months later….they’d
always come back begging for another chance.
There is the term “Nice guys finish last…” but “Nice girls
finish last” is just as true. In this world you almost have to be a bitch to
win the game of life….
But….I’m not…I hope I never will be.
It would be…oh so nice for the nice girl….to get the nice guy and live…….a
sweet passionate life filled with love and inspiration from each other.
And so….I’ll continue to be a dreamer…..and feed my
fairytale.
Until another dreary Monday,
Julia
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| Everyday. Something happens that just...kills me.
Today I come home, I'm in a pretty good mood. I had just won a local
art contest and first place was $200. I tell my dad this, at first he's
pretty happy about it and then he gets....PISSED.
He is like.....Why are you only getting so little money? I try to
explain thats what first place got, and he got even more mad. Then he
replied by saying if art competitions only give you that much then, the
art industry is shit and you'll be really fucking poor. He said
real contests involve tens of thousands of dollars and that all art
contests are useless so that means an art career will be useless. He
also mentions how I will undoubtably fail at life.
Then he restates the argument we had months before. He mentions ONCE
again how he isn't going to help me pay for college at all. Which is
COMPLETELY fine with me, in fact I'm super happy to pay it myself. I
never want to be indebted to them.
My dad says I'll make you pay for college on your own and then you'll
understand how important money is. Then I really pissed him off. I told
him how money isn't the most important thing in the world and that I'd
rather live and enjoy life. For some reason me wanting to be happy in
life makes my dad really ANGRY.
He then tried to punish me for thinking the way I do by repeating the
claim that I will get no money from him, like its a big deal that they
arent going to help me. Frankly, I dont care!!! I want to pay for
myself!!! I can take out student loans its FINE!
The fact that I was all set to take out loans made him EVEN MORE MAD.
He went into this mad rampage about how I'm not taking advantage of the
United States and how I've shamed my whole family for not wishing to be
a docter. He then repeats how I'm going to not be able to eat if
I pursue art and how useless art professors are.
I told him....."We'll see, its my life."
I walked upstairs
and thats when he flipped the table over.
and now I will have broken glass and dishes to clean up in the morning.
yay.
and that is
a typical
day in my life.
so fuck it. Im never coming home.
in my family winning a competition wont make your dad proud of you, it'll make him angry and want to break things.
My family makes me HATE money.
maybe thats why I'm so offended by the wasteful rich.
maybe thats why I'm weirded out by the fact that jonnie wants to spend money on me.
When I'm older, I dont want to keep any money in my bank account. If I ever get over 10,000 i promise i'll give it away.
money has ruined my life
money has ruined my family
i fucking hate money.
| | |
| today for the first time of my life....
my dad said.... I love you...
How do I respond to that, does he expect me to forgive him for all
those years of abuse, and say that I truly love him back? How is it
that these three words come up when I'm almost 18, months away from
leaving and possibly NEVER coming home.
You say I love you
now.....but what about those times I needed you. When I was little girl
and needed your support, when I was 13 and I needed you to tell me
about boys.... What about my whole life being the ONLY girl without
parents in the audience....the ONLY girl who didn't have a ride home
after an orchestra concert. What about that time when I was 11 and you
left me at the movie theater until 1 am.
I've realized now
that .....I'm fine, I've never needed you, never needed your love. Why
do you give it now when its too late, abuse has set in deep within the
core of my very being, suffocating my soul, ruining my childhood. Why
do you say you love me now when a true father would of never touched me
or said the things youd did. It's over, my life with you is
over.....just a few more months and years of tears will be washed away,
and I will forget you.
I wish I could say all those things
and mean it. I wish I could walk away from you and tell you to fuck
off. But I can't because despite the hell you've made my life, you
....you crazy abusive obsessive compulsive cheating lying stealing
angerproblemed shady ass motherfucker....you are my dad.
How is
it that a simple "I Love you" has made me so angry. Shouldn't it be a
joyous situation? No because I needed that I love you years and years
and years ago. What about mom? When will she ever say she loves me?
Never?
Don't tell me that you can't make it to my graduation
or my honors evening or my baccaleureatte because I don't want to hear
it. I dont care anymore, i've endured 17 years of this.....this is
over. Leave me alone please just leave me alone....I'll pay for college
myself ....just get away from me...away from my life....you've managed
to break my heart a thousand times over but not now not now not now...
I've built this wall, accepted that you two will NEVER love me. But now....what is this? DONT LOVE ME, ITS TOO LATE TO LOVE ME!
Who am I? I don't even know who I am...does anyone know me? Does anyone
know anything about my life? When you see me, do you see the pain that
kills me everyday i keep on breathing. Can anyone that thinks they know
me, thinks that they are my friend, honestly tell me WHY I am so hurt
by my parents?
I want to erase the past, pretend I didnt
exist, that it never happened....but sometimes in life you can never
forget. Some things that seep witin your soul and stop your heart. The
glass is in my heart now, shattered like our family. I'm so
jealous.....jealous beyond control of people who live here, with
parents that care and sisters and brothers to comfort when they dont.
I've never fit in here, I never will. No one understands me because no
one understands....no one can relate.....no one knows.... It's the
silence that numbs my body, makes my heart break. I have so many words,
I crave to communicate......
I swear to God, I just need rest. Please take me away from here and give me rest. Give me the ability to forgive.
When I have children......I will love them with every ounce of my
being, my life will be dedicated to their smiles, their innocense.....I
want to love my children from the moment they are born.....not 17 years
afterwards. I hope I find a man that is a TRUE romantic that LOVES just
as much as I do......and helps me raise children that will love their
children and appreciate life...nature....energy...beauty....*sigh*
Simply. I live for love.
i live to give love.....to be loved...... and that is all.
I wish I could be the happy person I try to be....
I am done.
xoxo, julia | | |
| So...
I'm retarded and I'm going to get a 1 on my Stat AP because i've
neglected to study at all or retain any information from my stat
class.....
wow....i suck.
1 down, six more to go. I will never hate my life more then I will in these next two weeks before graduation.
frustrated.
impatient.
and i dont want to go to honors night. p. south is useless. i hate high school. i hate hate hate hate my high school.
never attend a public high school in manchester missouri because chances are its p. south and p. south sucks.
o
m
g
i cant concentrate.....i need like a concentration potion, instant sleep, and a sibling.
O6' dammit!!!!!
gaahh...
| | |
| GUesswhat
its 3 am again!!!
and JUlia is still up like uussuaaall
uuhh i dont think i have anything to say today besides....no sleep =====juria ri
and that makes her SHLEEPY!!!
YAY FOR BEING A NATIONAL COKE WHORE
uuhh yay for 20 Gs cause
I HAVE TO PAY FOR MY COLLEGE!!!!
which is why im reconsidering Carnegie Mellon to go to....U of Mich....
what do you guys think?!
expensiveepxensivepexsklfjkdsjf
SLEEP
yayayayayayaayayayayyay
lalalalalalalalalalalala
have yo uguys ever heard that song...
"sleep with me...tonight" by conjure one? if you havnet you should! its like ....describes my life!!!!!
SO WHO wants to sleep with me tonight?!
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS THAT ARE REGIONAL, cause in my world
REGIONAL PEOPLE are more special becauseeeeee
I SAID ssoooOooOoooOooo
asians with no sleep= disastorous results
aalalalallalalala
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